It's all coming down around my ears. I know I've been away a long time, but I feel a need to get this all out.

It seems that in the last few months, my life has taken the most downward slope imaginable. I've lost the only thing I cared about, been diagnosed as borderline schizophrenic, and I'm doing terribly at my Networking course. It's like I can't do anything right at the moment.

I'm trying to make a change. Trying to move on and enjoy life. It's hard when you have this voice in your head that screams at you all day telling you that you're worthless, and that you'll never amount to anything. Kind of puts a dampener on things.

Sometimes I wish I had a better life, and then I look at it: what about all the other poor bastards out there? I mean, sure, I'm going crazy and I lost the person I loved more than life itself, but hey, some people out there never GOT the person they loved. But the old adage comes in; is it better to have loved and lost, or never loved at all?

In my case, I think I would have been better off never having loved. If the pain was only half of this, then I'd gladly pay that price.

I know this is longwinded. I don't care.

I'm looking at moving to Canada at the end of this year. Probably for 6-12 months, on a working holiday. Australia holds nothing for me, so I'll go there and see what it's like, and if I like it, then stay there.

I finally did something with my webspace: http://users.on.net/hoogs/ for anyone that's interested. I need some nice free redirection; I can't get cpd.tk for free anymore. Oh well.

And now I think about it, I really miss Laura and Julie. They're on TIG too. (arcticfox and Julz respectively)

This is me, signing off.

Hrm, 8 months since an update. Here goes.

It seems the years roll on by, slowly obliterating all opposition. I turned 19 today, much to my disgust/dismay, and I don't feel any better for it. Actually, when all is said and done, I think I feel more depressed today than I have in a long time.

For someone who supposedly has a myriad of friends (that's me, by the way), I had only around 5 people say "happy birthday" to me, either via SMS, ICQ, MSN or to my face. All kinds of media, and only 5. Makes you kinda sad when people don't remember/acknowledge that today is your day, and noone elses, even when that little balloon is staring them in the face, and your MSN name has "enjoying his birthday" in it. And especially when you have assignments that need doing RIGHT NOW or you'll fail a course.

I feel terrible. Sure, I got some nifty stuff; a subscription to my favourite magazine (a year's subby even!), some cash, some new pillows cuz my old ones are all mongy, and a new pair of sunglasses (white Arnette Swingers if anyone's interested), but I still feel dissatisfied. Maybe it's the expectation of the feeling of everyone loving me, which is something that's been mising for a long time, or maybe it's the fact that I managed to put a hole through one of my 6" midranges (long story). Either way.

Why does my heart feel so bad?

Two down, found to go. Actually it's not that bad, Paper 1 of English sucked, Paper 2 was good. I think I'm getting a lot of confidence back now, and it's making me feel a lot better about it all. Maths on Tuesday, no worries. Yay! Only 3 weeks then no more school, EVER.

I've spent all day working up a schematic and board so I can play some of my arcade-y games on my pc with a Playstation or SNES control pad, and it just doesn't work. Not happy Jan. I think I now have many more burns from grabbing hot items while soldering (good work there), and a few cuts from sharp metal. And it still doesn't work!!!

I think I'll have to find some place in NSW that sells them, and get one ordered good. *sigh* I give up...

No point to this rant. I've just got the shits.

If anyone knows anywhere in Aust. to buy one, preferably USB, then can you let me know? Ta. :)

Well. Less than two weeks to the HSC, and I'm scared shitless. I can't believe I've finally made it this far, and I'm needing all the love and support to keep me going throught this. I'm really nervous because this is my second time around, I never finished Year 12 last year because I couldn't take it, but now here I go, and I hope that I do well for my family and friends, just to make everyone proud.

The next 2 weeks will be the hardest of my life, and I just want to stay sane.

It looks like my daydream is over. The harsh realities of a conflicting lifestyle clash upon my mind, and leave me to ponder. Just what the hell happened to my skull? Why is my brain exposed?

No, but really. *sigh* I'm not good at updating, I give you exhibit A. My website. I think it was 2 months ago now when I updated it, and I haven't gotten around to it since. One of these days I'll do something with it, but until then, I don't have the energy, nor the time.

Well, this is off to a good start, eh? A bit depressing for my first step into letting everyone know who I am... But ah well. Two of the members here I know, Julz and Laura, and I wish I could see them more, and get to know them better, but circumstances (read: school, uni, busy-ness) interfere with this, leaving me to pursue my life in other aspects, such as going to TAFE next year. That's right boys and girls, your favourite Uncle Owen will be a TAFE bum. I'll be doing Network Engineering, which means I'll be fully qualified to eat up bandwidth at any place I so desire.

But enough of that. You've got better things to read.

Until next time, my young Padawan.